For the past six months, I have not been the person I want to be. I have let guys control my happiness. I have let boys into my heart and my head, losing focus on even the simplest of tasks. I have only been truly happy when everything is good with my love life.
This ends today.
This is not who I am or who I want to be.
This is not who I want to be for my Little.
She has been a huge inspiration for me the past month. She is strong and brave and I commend her for everything that she is doing at the moment. I don't have half her bravery.
I guess it all started with my summer "romance." It derailed me. Weeks prior, I had decided that marriage was not for me and I was fine with that. Now it's December and I have half a wedding planned and heartache because Favourite was typical Favourite and lied. Withholding the truth is still a lie, Luke. Deal with it.
I jumped from one crush to the next,* depending on them for my confidence and my happiness. No more. I do not need a guy.
Wanting someone by your side is different than needing someone by your side. I do not need. I mearly want.
That want ends today.
I am going back to who I was in June. I am Kelly. I am independent. I am Hufflepuff. I am Amy Pond.
Okay, yes, Amy Pond has Rory and the Doctor, but who says that Rory and the Doctor have to male? I have my twins. I have my little. I have my WGCC, which I could not be more thankful for.
Most importantly, I have me. As long as I can wake up in the morning and say that I want to live today, I will be fine.
I woke up this morning and wanted to overdose.
That thought ends today.
Theoretically. I realize that I will have some depression and suicide thoughts until the new year. Heartache triggers it. This time of the year triggers it. Stress and worry triggers it.
Most of the time, my suicidal thoughts scare me. I know that I am still healthy because they scare me and that's good. I don't want to die. When I woke up this morning and realized I would not make it through the day without some tylenol, I didn't get scared. They were my "happy pills" for so long. Then the thoughts came. How many could I take and not pass out? 4? 6? How many would I take? Would I be able to stop myself? Did I want to stop myself?
No, I did not. I could have swallowed my whole bottle this morning. And then reached for another one. This is why I do not buy more than one bottle at a time. It keeps me from actually being able to do this.
If I was actually going to do it, I would not be telling you this. This is a part of me and sharing it is my therapy. If you know about it, you can stop me. I am loved. I have friends. I'm just tired of them living so far away.
I got way too much hope over the summer. English Kelly peaked out bit by bit and finally came out. Well, girl, you're in America. You're not in England. You are just as beautiful and smart and funny as you were over there, if not more so. You will succeed.
But you will succeed alone.**
*I can honestly say that I had feelings for each of these guys.
**To my beautiful friends, from Oz to California to the midwest to England, I love you. But sometimes, a girl needs more than a friend. Sometimes, a girl needs a guy to hold her hand and know that no matter what happens, he'll be there.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
REVIEW TIME!: Dunkin' Donuts's New Apple Cider
I hate fall.
Seriously.
But I do look forward to one thing when fall comes: hot apple cider.
You can pretty much only get the good stuff from family farms when your family goes apple/pumpkin picking. I looked forward to this day every single year. I hated apple picking, but it was all okay when i got that hot apple cider in my hand.
So when Dunkin Donuts started advertising that they had a new apple cider, offered hot and iced, I was worried.
I shouldn't have been though. Dunkin makes some of the best coffee. Dunkin makes my other beloved fall treat: the pumpkin muffin. Dunkin makes bagel twists [to which ONLY the cinnamon raisin should be bought and consumed].
Yet again, Dunkin has made a lot of errors, too. Cheese bagel twists? No. Just... no. And their bagels? No. Again, just... no.
But I had to try it. I had to. As a frequent Dunkin customer and lover of apple cider, I had to.
Yesterday was very warm for the end of September. I didn't feel like something hot. Okay. I'll do it. I'll try the iced apple cider. Which should be just apple juice, no?
NO. It was not just apple juice, it was apple cider, but COLD. I can't explain it. I took the first sip and I felt warm all over, yet my drink was cold. It had all the right spices and flavor that I love in apple cider. As I continued to drink it, it just got better. The ice was melting in my apple cider, diluting the initial sweetness to perfection.
I HIGHLY recommend trying out this drink. HIGHLY. It's great for that warm fall day.
And as for the hot? Well, I made the mistake of going into a Dunkin that kind of sucks. In result, my hot apple cider also kind of sucks. But I have faith. I plan to buy it again one fall morning with my pumpkin muffin at MY Dunkin and thoroughly enjoy it.
I don't know how to make apple cider, so all the flavours are a mystery to me. I taste that fantastic homemade apple cider taste, though. It tastes naturally sweetened, not artificially. The cinnimon and nutmeg is subtle, but there. It's a great drink, and if you enjoy apple cider, you'll enjoy Dunkin's version.
Seriously.
But I do look forward to one thing when fall comes: hot apple cider.
You can pretty much only get the good stuff from family farms when your family goes apple/pumpkin picking. I looked forward to this day every single year. I hated apple picking, but it was all okay when i got that hot apple cider in my hand.
So when Dunkin Donuts started advertising that they had a new apple cider, offered hot and iced, I was worried.
I shouldn't have been though. Dunkin makes some of the best coffee. Dunkin makes my other beloved fall treat: the pumpkin muffin. Dunkin makes bagel twists [to which ONLY the cinnamon raisin should be bought and consumed].
Yet again, Dunkin has made a lot of errors, too. Cheese bagel twists? No. Just... no. And their bagels? No. Again, just... no.
But I had to try it. I had to. As a frequent Dunkin customer and lover of apple cider, I had to.
Yesterday was very warm for the end of September. I didn't feel like something hot. Okay. I'll do it. I'll try the iced apple cider. Which should be just apple juice, no?
NO. It was not just apple juice, it was apple cider, but COLD. I can't explain it. I took the first sip and I felt warm all over, yet my drink was cold. It had all the right spices and flavor that I love in apple cider. As I continued to drink it, it just got better. The ice was melting in my apple cider, diluting the initial sweetness to perfection.
I HIGHLY recommend trying out this drink. HIGHLY. It's great for that warm fall day.
And as for the hot? Well, I made the mistake of going into a Dunkin that kind of sucks. In result, my hot apple cider also kind of sucks. But I have faith. I plan to buy it again one fall morning with my pumpkin muffin at MY Dunkin and thoroughly enjoy it.
I don't know how to make apple cider, so all the flavours are a mystery to me. I taste that fantastic homemade apple cider taste, though. It tastes naturally sweetened, not artificially. The cinnimon and nutmeg is subtle, but there. It's a great drink, and if you enjoy apple cider, you'll enjoy Dunkin's version.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Ten Years Later... and I Still Cry
Ten years ago today, I sat confused.
Ten years ago today, I sat scared.
Ten years later, and I still remember everything. I remember hearing the news anchor yelling that the first tower was falling. I remember my teacher hiding her tears, because she feared for her son's life. I remember being scared that I may never see my father again.
But I did. No one I personally knew died that day. My sister's friend had a volleyball game and begged her dad to take off of work and watch. He lived. My cousin's uncle was away on a last-minute business trip, he lived. My teacher's son had time for a coffee, and so he lived.
To everyone who reads this blog and did not live in the tri-state area that day: you have no idea what it was like for us.
Many of my English friends/acquaintances asked me to re-live that day because they were curious. I cried every time I told my story.
My father took us to see the smoke that night. I could not believe. That smoke lasted for days, maybe even a few weeks, I can't remember anymore. I have only been to the area once, last summer. And I cried.
I have no idea how to convey how SCARED I was that day. That is what makes me cry. What continues to make me cry is the men and women who died, the children who will never meet their fathers, and the soldiers who are so brave to fight for my life and freedom.
One thing that PISSES ME OFF is that people who weren't here on that day, try to say they were equally effected. News flash: you weren't. You may have been scared for our nation, for the terrorism that was so real, but you don't know how it felt that day to worry about so many mother's and father's lives. I live very close to NYC. Commuter close. Many of my friends, including my father, commute into NYC on a daily basis. More than half of my classmates were worrying about their parents. Even if we knew they didn't work in those buildings, we didn't know where they were. Cell phones weren't that big in 2001. My father had one, but cell phones were not working that day.
So please, remember 9/11 for what it was and how it shaped not only our nation, but the world, remember those who died in the planes and in the towers, remember those who died trying to save lives, remember the soldiers who fought for us, remember the soldiers who found and killed Osama Bin Laden, remember the children who grew up without a father or mother, remember that everyone's experience of that day is different and yours is just as unique as mine. Don't exploit it.
And please, remember that this was MY city being attacked. I live 20 miles away from the World Trade Center site. 20 miles. That's not far, at all. I was scared for my life and I continue to be scared. For months after the attack, military was placed at the Lincoln Tunnel, the George Washington Bridge, and still, there are two military people in Penn Station. That I passed and smiled at EVERY TIME I go into NYC. I live somewhere where terrorists want to attack. I live somewhere that a nuclear bomb could hit, and I could be effected. It scared 12-year old me then and it scares me now more than ever.
In more sad news, two years ago today, I flew to England to start the best year of my life. I felt it was a pretty safe day to fly because lightning doesn't strike twice, and security would probably be more strict. I am such a different person now than I was then. and I absolutely love everyone who has walked into my life and made it better. Without you guys, I would not be who I am.
I love you all, my beautiful friends. You mean everything to me.
and I honestly mean that with all my heart and with all my soul.
Ten years ago today, I sat scared.
Ten years later, and I still remember everything. I remember hearing the news anchor yelling that the first tower was falling. I remember my teacher hiding her tears, because she feared for her son's life. I remember being scared that I may never see my father again.
But I did. No one I personally knew died that day. My sister's friend had a volleyball game and begged her dad to take off of work and watch. He lived. My cousin's uncle was away on a last-minute business trip, he lived. My teacher's son had time for a coffee, and so he lived.
To everyone who reads this blog and did not live in the tri-state area that day: you have no idea what it was like for us.
Many of my English friends/acquaintances asked me to re-live that day because they were curious. I cried every time I told my story.
My father took us to see the smoke that night. I could not believe. That smoke lasted for days, maybe even a few weeks, I can't remember anymore. I have only been to the area once, last summer. And I cried.
I have no idea how to convey how SCARED I was that day. That is what makes me cry. What continues to make me cry is the men and women who died, the children who will never meet their fathers, and the soldiers who are so brave to fight for my life and freedom.
One thing that PISSES ME OFF is that people who weren't here on that day, try to say they were equally effected. News flash: you weren't. You may have been scared for our nation, for the terrorism that was so real, but you don't know how it felt that day to worry about so many mother's and father's lives. I live very close to NYC. Commuter close. Many of my friends, including my father, commute into NYC on a daily basis. More than half of my classmates were worrying about their parents. Even if we knew they didn't work in those buildings, we didn't know where they were. Cell phones weren't that big in 2001. My father had one, but cell phones were not working that day.
So please, remember 9/11 for what it was and how it shaped not only our nation, but the world, remember those who died in the planes and in the towers, remember those who died trying to save lives, remember the soldiers who fought for us, remember the soldiers who found and killed Osama Bin Laden, remember the children who grew up without a father or mother, remember that everyone's experience of that day is different and yours is just as unique as mine. Don't exploit it.
And please, remember that this was MY city being attacked. I live 20 miles away from the World Trade Center site. 20 miles. That's not far, at all. I was scared for my life and I continue to be scared. For months after the attack, military was placed at the Lincoln Tunnel, the George Washington Bridge, and still, there are two military people in Penn Station. That I passed and smiled at EVERY TIME I go into NYC. I live somewhere where terrorists want to attack. I live somewhere that a nuclear bomb could hit, and I could be effected. It scared 12-year old me then and it scares me now more than ever.
In more sad news, two years ago today, I flew to England to start the best year of my life. I felt it was a pretty safe day to fly because lightning doesn't strike twice, and security would probably be more strict. I am such a different person now than I was then. and I absolutely love everyone who has walked into my life and made it better. Without you guys, I would not be who I am.
I love you all, my beautiful friends. You mean everything to me.
and I honestly mean that with all my heart and with all my soul.
Friday, July 15, 2011
People Piss Me Off
See title.
Know this about me.
DON'T PISS ME OFF.
Harry means the world to me. THE WORLD. With the release of every movie, trailer, book, what have you, people start to comment.
People start to comment on things they don't understand.
People start to comment on things they don't understand and REFUSE to understand.
Harry is world unlike any other. If you're not a part of it, you don't know what it's like to see this world ending. To those not part of it, it's just the end to another series. To us, it's the end of an era, the end of an epic journey, the end of what makes us who we are.
Who wants to hear that the core of their childhood is over? Who wants to hear that they'll be no new [COUGH POTTERMORE COUGH] content for us to ponder over, wait impatiently or debate about?
It's over.
What we're looking forward to now, is sharing it with our children, is hoping that they'll be week-long marathons at theatres to celebrate the anniversaries, is knowing that in our hearts, it will never die.
This isn't the end for me. IT ALL ENDS may be the tagline, but GUESS WHAT, BITCH [all caps. i'm screaming. I'M SCREAMING WB.]
IT WILL NEVER END.
Know this about me.
DON'T PISS ME OFF.
Harry means the world to me. THE WORLD. With the release of every movie, trailer, book, what have you, people start to comment.
People start to comment on things they don't understand.
People start to comment on things they don't understand and REFUSE to understand.
Harry is world unlike any other. If you're not a part of it, you don't know what it's like to see this world ending. To those not part of it, it's just the end to another series. To us, it's the end of an era, the end of an epic journey, the end of what makes us who we are.
Who wants to hear that the core of their childhood is over? Who wants to hear that they'll be no new [COUGH POTTERMORE COUGH] content for us to ponder over, wait impatiently or debate about?
It's over.
What we're looking forward to now, is sharing it with our children, is hoping that they'll be week-long marathons at theatres to celebrate the anniversaries, is knowing that in our hearts, it will never die.
This isn't the end for me. IT ALL ENDS may be the tagline, but GUESS WHAT, BITCH [all caps. i'm screaming. I'M SCREAMING WB.]
IT WILL NEVER END.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Dating 102: Interpreting a Boy
*sigh*
I will gladly give Boy Lessons. GLADLY. But this is the most complex subject of our studies. Interpreting a boy is hard because, well, they are boys.
They say one thing and do another*. Why do they do this? Because they don't think with their heads all the time.
And that's when you know. When they start thinking with their... you know, you know you've got them. You at least know that they're attracted to you even if they don't want to admit it.
So this means that they'll cheat, lie, and do anything to touch a girl.
This is where WE, my beautiful girls, need to get inside their heads and use it to our advantage.
As much as I want to detail everything that occurred tonight, everything that happened with ManU has prevented me from doing that ever again. I'm just... too nice. But I know this:
Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
So when a boy is 100% sober and kisses you, he's attracted to you. (This does not apply for spin the bottle or truth or dare.)
When a boy pays for dinner and you are romantically involved, it's a date.
When a boy sighs and covers his face, he wants to hide.
When he closes his eyes or looks to the sky, he's thinking something.
When a boy puts his arm around you and pulls you closer, he wants to be nearer to you.
When a boy talks about doing things in the future with you, he wants you in his future.
When a boy hugs you for more than TWO seconds, when he won't pull away, when he really wraps his arms around you - he cares for you.
When a boy goes home and makes his facebook status about the night he just had with you, then you win, 'cause you're in his head.
Actions speak louder than words, and THAT is how you interpret a boy.
Until next time,
KEEP SMILING. Remember, smiling is KEY.
*This does not pertain to all boys/men. Just... you know... some.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
#BEA11 - Day two!!
Too tired to explain, but overall
AWESOME AND BOOK PEOPLE ARE NICE.
Books acquired today:
9/11: The World Speaks
DJ Rising by Love Maia
SIGNED The Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan
SIGNED Graveminder by Melissa Marr
SIGNED The Last Little Blue Envelope by MJ
Crossed by Ally Condie
The Apothecary by Maile Meloy
How to Save a Life by Sara Zarr
Frommer's NYC Free and Dirt Cheap
The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater
Dumpling Days by Grace Lin
Icefall by Matthew J. Kirby
The Unwanteds by Lisa McMann - THIS IS A MUST READ. BE ON THE LOOKOUT.
The Rivals by Daisy Whitney
Passion by Lauren Kate
Liesl and Po by Lauren Oliver
After Obsession by Carrie Jones and Steven Wedel
Battle Fatigue by Mark Kurlansky
Shut Out by Kody Keplinger
Tuesdays at the Castle by Jessica Day George
More Daughter of Smoke and Bone
Moonlight on Linoleum by Terry Helwig
A SIGNED GOLIATH BY SCOTT WESTERFELD
Between by Jessica Warman ****
Going Underground by Susan Vaught
Half Blood by Jennifer Armentrout
Mister Creecher by Chris Priestly
In Darkness by Nick Lake
Minder by Kate Kaynak
Undercurrent by Tricia Rayburn
Delirium by Lauren Oliver
oh day two, you are so much more me.
until tomorrow,
au revoir, my loves.
AWESOME AND BOOK PEOPLE ARE NICE.
Books acquired today:
9/11: The World Speaks
DJ Rising by Love Maia
SIGNED The Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan
SIGNED Graveminder by Melissa Marr
SIGNED The Last Little Blue Envelope by MJ
Crossed by Ally Condie
The Apothecary by Maile Meloy
How to Save a Life by Sara Zarr
Frommer's NYC Free and Dirt Cheap
The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater
Dumpling Days by Grace Lin
Icefall by Matthew J. Kirby
The Unwanteds by Lisa McMann - THIS IS A MUST READ. BE ON THE LOOKOUT.
The Rivals by Daisy Whitney
Passion by Lauren Kate
Liesl and Po by Lauren Oliver
After Obsession by Carrie Jones and Steven Wedel
Battle Fatigue by Mark Kurlansky
Shut Out by Kody Keplinger
Tuesdays at the Castle by Jessica Day George
More Daughter of Smoke and Bone
Moonlight on Linoleum by Terry Helwig
A SIGNED GOLIATH BY SCOTT WESTERFELD
Between by Jessica Warman ****
Going Underground by Susan Vaught
Half Blood by Jennifer Armentrout
Mister Creecher by Chris Priestly
In Darkness by Nick Lake
Minder by Kate Kaynak
Undercurrent by Tricia Rayburn
Delirium by Lauren Oliver
oh day two, you are so much more me.
until tomorrow,
au revoir, my loves.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
#BEA11 - Day one!
As a first-time BEA-er, I didn't know what to expect.
Then I walked in, and it was just like the London Book Fair. and I was okay. I knew how to do this.
So off I went.
I met SARAH DESSEN, Ann M. Martin, Florence Henderson, and a LOT of other authors. I wandered a LOT and got books. I went to the YA buzz panel. and just WOW.
BEA was beyond awesome. It was heaven. All the books, all the publishers, all the authors... just pure heaven.
Here is just a GENERAL list of the books I got that I'm excited about:
Au Revoir, Crazy European Chick by Joe Schreiber
Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor *****
Inside Out and Back Again by Thanhha Lai
Fracture by Megan Miranda
Unforgettable by Loretta Ellsworth
Ten Rules for Living with my Sister by Ann M. Martin
All These Things I've Done by Gabrielle Zevin ******
Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler, Maira Kalman
Witches of East End by Melissa de la Cruz
What Happened to Goodbye by Sarah Dessen
Life is Not a Stage by Florence Henderson
Shut Out by Kody Keplinger
The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight by Jennifer E. Smtih
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin***
Between Here and Now by Elizabeth Scott
Great list, right there! Y'all should put them ALL on your to-read list RIGHT NOW.
and now, I am going to BED.
Then I walked in, and it was just like the London Book Fair. and I was okay. I knew how to do this.
So off I went.
I met SARAH DESSEN, Ann M. Martin, Florence Henderson, and a LOT of other authors. I wandered a LOT and got books. I went to the YA buzz panel. and just WOW.
BEA was beyond awesome. It was heaven. All the books, all the publishers, all the authors... just pure heaven.
Here is just a GENERAL list of the books I got that I'm excited about:
Au Revoir, Crazy European Chick by Joe Schreiber
Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor *****
Inside Out and Back Again by Thanhha Lai
Fracture by Megan Miranda
Unforgettable by Loretta Ellsworth
Ten Rules for Living with my Sister by Ann M. Martin
All These Things I've Done by Gabrielle Zevin ******
Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler, Maira Kalman
Witches of East End by Melissa de la Cruz
What Happened to Goodbye by Sarah Dessen
Life is Not a Stage by Florence Henderson
Shut Out by Kody Keplinger
The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight by Jennifer E. Smtih
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin***
Between Here and Now by Elizabeth Scott
Great list, right there! Y'all should put them ALL on your to-read list RIGHT NOW.
and now, I am going to BED.
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