Saturday, October 27, 2012

[1]Dear 13-Year-Old-Kelly, You're Happy...

October 27th

Dear 13-Year-Old-Kelly,

You know what I love about you? How naive you are. You are so happy in your unknown innocence. And I love that.

You think you're becoming popular, and because of this, your confidence is growing. I am so happy for you that you think that.

You think a boy likes you. And that makes you smile. That makes you smile more than anything in the world.

You know you are smart. You do your homework right. You study. You get As, sometimes Bs. You like school.

You're undecided about what you want to do for the rest of your life, but you want to go to college. You want to learn.

I don't know what to tell you. Prepare yourself. Guard your heart. Guard your life. Guard your passion.

Don't forget who your friends are. Don't cut people off because you want to climb to the top. Don't sacrifice who you are to be someone else.

Try not to be jealous. Know when to vocalize your jealousy and when to keep your mouth shut.

Keep your eyes open.

All my love,
23-year-old Kelly

Thursday, October 25, 2012

10 Years Later...

I hate the fall.


I didn't always hate the fall. Ten years ago this fall, I fell into (actualized?) my depression. There was one event that broke my heart in a thousand different ways. I was so sad, so unhappy, so insecure that depression took over. Being unhappy became my life. I lost trust. I lost hope. I lost faith. And then I decided that I wanted to kill myself.

My suicidal thoughts were my everything. I constantly thought about how, where and when I would. I thought about my funeral. I thought about what my ex-friends would say and the regret they would feel.

The friends who took me under their wing were my saviors. I didn't know it at the time, but I do know. I am so grateful they stuck by my side during that fall and through the winter. They continued to stay by my side through high school and I stood by their sides. Things may not have always been perfect, but during the fall of 2002, they were there. They were the only four people who I trusted and who I knew loved me.

I fell in love with Harry Potter that fall.

I fell in love with RENT and became immersed in theatre that winter.

Everything that I am passionate about was discovered that fall. I was truly shaped by that fall.

This is my introduction to my new blog series, Dear 13-Year-Old Kelly. On the tenth anniversary of certain events, I will be writing letters to my younger self. I want to recount what happened and try to explain to her that while everything sucks right now, it's going to get better and that she needs these events to become the person she is ten years later.

These events have really stuck with me and frankly, I need to get over them. They happened. I need to make peace with them and move on. This is me trying to move on.

So thank you for reading. And most importantly, thank you for being my friend.