Monday, December 12, 2011

Life and Love: A December 2011 Update

For the past six months, I have not been the person I want to be. I have let guys control my happiness. I have let boys into my heart and my head, losing focus on even the simplest of tasks. I have only been truly happy when everything is good with my love life.  

This ends today.

This is not who I am or who I want to be.

This is not who I want to be for my Little.

She has been a huge inspiration for me the past month. She is strong and brave and I commend her for everything that she is doing at the moment. I don't have half her bravery.

I guess it all started with my summer "romance." It derailed me. Weeks prior, I had decided that marriage was not for me and I was fine with that. Now it's December and I have half a wedding planned and heartache because Favourite was typical Favourite and lied. Withholding the truth is still a lie, Luke. Deal with it.

I jumped from one crush to the next,* depending on them for my confidence and my happiness. No more. I do not need a guy.

Wanting someone by your side is different than needing someone by your side. I do not need. I mearly want.

That want ends today. 

I am going back to who I was in June. I am Kelly. I am independent. I am Hufflepuff. I am Amy Pond.

Okay, yes, Amy Pond has Rory and the Doctor, but who says that Rory and the Doctor have to male? I have my twins. I have my little. I have my WGCC, which I could not be more thankful for.

Most importantly, I have me. As long as I can wake up in the morning and say that I want to live today, I will be fine.

I woke up this morning and wanted to overdose.

That thought ends today. 

Theoretically. I realize that I will have some depression and suicide thoughts until the new year. Heartache triggers it. This time of the year triggers it. Stress and worry triggers it.

Most of the time, my suicidal thoughts scare me. I know that I am still healthy because they scare me and that's good. I don't want to die. When I woke up this morning and realized I would not make it through the day without some tylenol, I didn't get scared. They were my "happy pills" for so long. Then the thoughts came. How many could I take and not pass out? 4? 6? How many would I take? Would I be able to stop myself? Did I want to stop myself?

No, I did not. I could have swallowed my whole bottle this morning. And then reached for another one. This is why I do not buy more than one bottle at a time. It keeps me from actually being able to do this.

If I was actually going to do it, I would not be telling you this. This is a part of me and sharing it is my therapy. If you know about it, you can stop me. I am loved. I have friends. I'm just tired of them living so far away.

I got way too much hope over the summer. English Kelly peaked out bit by bit and finally came out. Well, girl, you're in America. You're not in England. You are just as beautiful and smart and funny as you were over there, if not more so. You will succeed.

But you will succeed alone.**

*I can honestly say that I had feelings for each of these guys.

**To my beautiful friends, from Oz to California to the midwest to England, I love you. But sometimes, a girl needs more than a friend. Sometimes, a girl needs a guy to hold her hand and know that no matter what happens, he'll be there.