Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Steps to Loving

Everyone falls in love.

Really. It's part of our psychological make up. We fall in love with things, books, films and people.

Like everything else in life, there's steps to falling in love. There's attraction, infatuation, trust, and finally love.

Attraction comes easily. Almost too easily. It's a part of our every day lives. We see tons of different people, watch trailers, read summaries for new books.

Infatuation is a little harder, but also quite easy. We continue to see one particular person, knowing more about them every minute. We see more trailers, read the first few chapters of a book. We start to like this new thing in our life and we want more and more of it.

Trust is the hard part. The hardest part. Trust is where things get tricky. Trust can take months, even years. How do you know that you can, especially when it comes to infatuation with a person, trust that person to hold your heart and not tear it apart?

At the end of the day, you just have to. You get to a point where you know the person enough to know they won't hurt you.

This is where I get personal. I have the most incredible friends in the whole world. This has caused me to trust easier than the average person. Almost too easily. And when I trust someone with my heart, I end up getting hurt. The harder I fall in love, the harder I fall apart. You'd think that after the first heartbreak, I'd be more careful, but it was the opposite. I fell harder and faster than the time before. Which means I was hurt more each time my heart was broken.

I don't just have a heartache, but I fall apart. My heart breaks, my mind numbs and my soul is torn into pieces. This has not just happened once, not twice, but three times.

Last year, I met someone who I thought was my soul mate. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. He was my companion, my best friend, my lover, my everything. I trusted him. I trusted him too quickly and too much.

He, as the pattern shows, hurt me. He hurt me a lot. He hurt me to the point where I didn't want to be anymore.

I've always picked up the pieces of my life and put them back together. Always. But he hurt me so much that I couldn't pick up the pieces myself. I needed my friends and my family. There were so many pieces, that I am STILL picking them up twelve months later.

But I am picking them up. About eight months ago, I started picking them up and moving on.

Keep calm and carry on, right?

Except, I am at the point where I am infatuated again and I need to start trusting. This is what brings me to write. I need to trust again in order to find love.

Every time I think about trusting, I feel the pain all over again. I never realized before this month how much my Doctor truly hurt me. The pain is still there.


I know I can do this. I have to do this. You have to trust.

Because trust leads to the most powerful, amazing thing in the world...


Finding love again, makes all the lies, the tears, the crushed hopes and dreams, the hurt and the pain worth it.